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Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Lies in My Mind

I have lies in my mind.
These lies have pirated much of my opportunities and blessings. The problem is: I do not know they are lies.
I remember the dreadful feeling I ever felt the first lie I ever said. I was 8 year old then. My mom left some coins on top of our dining table . I was so mesmerized to grab and put them in my pocket. In the evening, my mom remembered about it. She recalled that I was there when she left them on. I acted like I did not know anything but my heart was actually pounding. I felt guilty and terrible. If you ever told a lie before, you know the feeling. We lose our peace. Lying is not worth it. Inner peace leaves us and we lose that respect for ourselves.
Lately, I have experienced some disappointment and "I am depressed" feeling. Disturbance and annoyance make me feel low, unworthy, and useless. I am not fully alive! There is such a crippling feeling of being unproductive and hopeless. This started when I opted to settle down with my husband and as a consequence transfer to his place. Staying at home for 9 months now is a weird sensation. It is far from where I was used to in teaching where I would plan lessons, prepare visual aids, execute creatively the subject matter in class, compute grades, have conference with parents and students, and attend meetings, seminars, and studies. I miss the busy kind of life. I have been waiting patiently to obtain a teaching job this time but I feel that there are no opportunities that await me, especially that I am 26 week pregnant. I prayed, cried and felt like I am a failure.
I do not deny what I feel and I do not feel well, but now, I have realized that these are the ugly lies in my mind. I have to let go some of my expectations in life or else everyday would be a lame feeling for me. These lies in my mind would break me, so I have to overthrow them. I have to listen to what God is saying instead. I have to choose not to be discouraged and believe that this is just temporary. Positive thinking is wiser than dwelling on those negative words that are typed in my mind. I have to hold on to my faith and give credence to the abundance that is coming my way.

1 comment:

  1. oh really? That is a worthwhile life experience.
    Nothing compares with what you experienced. God bless on your life's journey.