Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My Little Spot Under the Sun

"The only limits to the possibilities in your life tomorrow are the 'buts' you use today," Les Brown once said.

So, how can I break free from my 'buts' when chances and opportunities which I desire seem so thin? Are they only in my thoughts?

Yes. I believe that they are only in my thoughts and they create beliefs. I have realized that these beliefs bear either faith or fear. When we have faith, we are ready to let go of those 'buts.' We embrace change and we desire for better things. But, it is inevitabl to have fears and at times we tend to doubt if we are climbing the right mountain.

Life is about climbing mountains. We set goals, we hurdle and we stumble. There are good times and there are tough, and sometimes, we are convinced to be tough to ourselves too, but no matter what, we must find the courage to embrace happiness.

Nowadays, I could not resist on thinking if I have a 'little spot under the sun.' Staying at home makes me wonder if opportunity is out there waiting for me. This thought does not absolutely make me feel great. This feeling rips off the wonderful oxygen that is filling my lungs. Is there a shortage of blessings from God? Is life really difficult? Does God really provide for us? There are just so much going on in my mind.

Perhaps, I am too much focused on negative expectations. I know that this hinders my trust in God. I feel that I am losing my patience. That is why sometimes I find praying as tiresome and monotonous. Everyday is just the same routinary job of house chores and waiting for the sun to come down, sleeping and then waking up again for the next typical day. It is like a 'do re mi' in music. But, I know I have to be strong with this battle in my mind. Someday, God will provide the best blessing in my life. I am constantly reminded of this beautiful phrase 'a time to reap and a time to sow.' So, just as the battle begins in our minds, so will be our victory!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Embracing My New Figure

When I discovered that I was pregnant, I experienced the usual whirlwind feelings of joy and awe. Behind these, I was also thinking of the upcoming body changes to either gain or lose weight. Most women say that pregnancy could bring extra weight to one's body. I am naturally thin, so I was excited to at least gain and experience deviating from what is normal to feel adorable.

Much to my expectations, I lost 15 pounds in my first trimester. I was so picky with foods and would throw up most of the time. I lost focus on taking what is nutritious for the growing baby in my belly. I was so sensitive with smell that I could not even take food with garlic. I thought I would lose weight all throughout this pregnancy, but suddenly, in my second trimester, I instantly gained 14 pounds. When I would look down, I could not see anything past my belly button! So here is the big change now. What a marvel! I now have my new curves. I should embrace my new figure. I know that my growing, beautiful belly is keeping my baby safe inside.

Now as I am in my third trimester, when I put on my maternity clothes, it makes me more comfortable. It highlights my swelling belly and I get that splendidly amiable, sensual feeling of pregnancy. I always feel hungry but I do not fret over foods and I do not count calories, instead I concentrate on how eating helps build a new life. My weight gain as of this time is not alarming though, so, I got a great excuse! Certainly, I feel the joy of having my body change. Learning to accept these changing figures is a bit challenging. For some, it gives negative emotions especially on dealing with all those extra pounds. As I now savor this last trimester left, I expect for more weight gain and different changes. I know that one day, I will miss my belly when I am no longer pregnant.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Lies in My Mind

I have lies in my mind.
These lies have pirated much of my opportunities and blessings. The problem is: I do not know they are lies.
I remember the dreadful feeling I ever felt the first lie I ever said. I was 8 year old then. My mom left some coins on top of our dining table . I was so mesmerized to grab and put them in my pocket. In the evening, my mom remembered about it. She recalled that I was there when she left them on. I acted like I did not know anything but my heart was actually pounding. I felt guilty and terrible. If you ever told a lie before, you know the feeling. We lose our peace. Lying is not worth it. Inner peace leaves us and we lose that respect for ourselves.
Lately, I have experienced some disappointment and "I am depressed" feeling. Disturbance and annoyance make me feel low, unworthy, and useless. I am not fully alive! There is such a crippling feeling of being unproductive and hopeless. This started when I opted to settle down with my husband and as a consequence transfer to his place. Staying at home for 9 months now is a weird sensation. It is far from where I was used to in teaching where I would plan lessons, prepare visual aids, execute creatively the subject matter in class, compute grades, have conference with parents and students, and attend meetings, seminars, and studies. I miss the busy kind of life. I have been waiting patiently to obtain a teaching job this time but I feel that there are no opportunities that await me, especially that I am 26 week pregnant. I prayed, cried and felt like I am a failure.
I do not deny what I feel and I do not feel well, but now, I have realized that these are the ugly lies in my mind. I have to let go some of my expectations in life or else everyday would be a lame feeling for me. These lies in my mind would break me, so I have to overthrow them. I have to listen to what God is saying instead. I have to choose not to be discouraged and believe that this is just temporary. Positive thinking is wiser than dwelling on those negative words that are typed in my mind. I have to hold on to my faith and give credence to the abundance that is coming my way.